Just laying with daddy
This is how much she loves our bed, she really has room to stretch out lol.
She loves falling asleep like this on me
Full tummy
She loves to sit with us and look around. Her eyes are still blue, but are getting darker. A darker shade of blue for now.
We are kind of slacking on the picture taking thing. Teresa has more pictures of Marlee than we do! So here are the few that we do have. Now that I am not a walking zombie (most days) I will take more.
Other updates...we had a WIC appointment last week where they measured her. She has already gained all her weight back plus 2 oz. We have her 2 week check up appointment Friday so we will see how much more she has gained. She is a chunker!
She has been giving me breastfeeding problems. I have one good boob, the other nipple is about to fall off so I am pumping that side for now. If it wasnt so offensive I would take a picture and post it so you can all see how bad it hurts. It actually hurts worse than looking at it. (when feeding) the pump isnt too bad. Still painful, but tolerable.
I have been getting worse with with postpartum depression so I finally called my Dr, his nurse told me I could just come up and pick up some samples of Lexapro to try. I picked them up but have way too many questions to just start taking them. I am not a fan of pills of any sort. Before, and during my pregnancy I didnt even take Tylenol for headaches. I just find other ways to handle pain or whatever. It takes a few days of a cold before I will go buy medicine and usually its just cough drops. SO this is a huge step for me to take these pills and I know nothing about them. I dont know if it is safe for me to be breastfeeding while I take them, when I want to quit taking them are they going to give me side affects? What side affects am I going to have while taking them?? Anyone have any clue??!!
I had a few rants that I dont think I blogged about so I am going to write them just so I can look back and remember what upset me so much in the first week. Most of you have already heard these tho.
First day I got home from the hospital David had to go back to work, so my first night I was alone. I dont think I slept at all I was up worrying about EVERYTHING! Trying to count how many diapers she was going thru. Counting hours in between feedings to make sure she was eating enough. Worrying that my milk hadnt come in yet so she wasnt getting enough milk. Then repeating that the next day while David slept. I didnt wake him up to ask for help, I just handled everything on my own which was the worst thing I could have done! He over slept while I didnt at all that whole first weekend, then he went back to work and I was home alone again. My postpartum blues turned into huge anxiety attacks, which turned into huge sob fests. After a few more days of being alone I now am deathly afraid of being alone with the baby. Not in fear of hurting her because of this depression, but worrying that I am not doing anything right, or that something is going to go wrong. So when David wants to leave it has been starting HUGE fights. His friend Ryan is leaving out of town for 4 months this weekend so they have been wanting to go do things before he is gone. I have huge issues with this and talking about when he is going to leave, or right before he leaves, or when he comes back are the biggest depression moments I have. This Thrs he is supposed to be gone all day, well I already know it is going to be horrible so I am not looking forward to Thrs at all!
So things that added to the depression were the pediatrician we HAD to go to the day after we came home. She needed a jaundice check so at the hospital we had to make an appointment before we could leave. Well we got there and the Dr couldnt even do the check at the clinic, he wanted to send us to another hospital the next day. That is not what we asked for and our hospital wanted it done that day. Then he said she was losing to much weight (8.5%) so I needed to start her on formula. I was taking Hydrocodone and Ibuprofen for pain and swelling, well according to him moms only take pain medication for 1 day and then quit so they can breastfeed. That was another reason I wasnt good enough to bf. So I quit taking all medication besides my antibiotic for 2 days because this stupid Dr told me it was bad for my baby. We ended up going to our hospitals lab to get her jaundice test, it came back ok or negative. She didnt have jaundice! But all these things were just weighing me down, plus the no sleeping. I was maybe getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day, and I had NO appetite what so ever. Unless I remembered I hadnt eaten yet for the day I wouldnt. I just was not hungry, and because I wasnt eating I was shaking all the time. By the time the cracked nipple happend I was ready to give up on everything. Every feeding I would cry the whole time, not just little tears. They were huge crocodile tears with sobbing and pain sounds. I was awake now because I was afraid for the next time she was going to be hungry because I had to feed her. I wasnt talking to David because every time I did we would end up fighting and it would bring on another anxiety attack/cry fest. All this in a week and a half!
Then the weekend came. Susan was in town. I got out of the house for the first time and went to Teresas to visit. I was in pain still but it was worth it to have people to talk to. We ended up out of the house every day that weekend with the family. I was doing tons better and even somehow got thru to David about how I was feeling. But now its back to being alone at night and having more anxiety attacks. This week I have been able to catch up on some sleep. I still dont think I have been able to get 8 hours of sleep in one night/day, but I feel like I am doing better.
Now back to the thought of introducing the pills. I am stuck and am not sure what I am going to do, but I know I can not continue with anxiety like this every time David goes to work. Or somewhere else where I am left alone.
That is my life right now, I will have to post more often because they turn into novels like this when I wait too long.
Marlee is doing great, no matter how much I worry every thing is perfect with her. My grandpa picked me a fool proof baby. She only cries when she is hungry or has gas, and lately when she wants to cuddle. She smiles a lot in her sleep, and when she is awake she is perfectly happy just sitting with anyone and looking around. She goes crossed eyed lots but still looks cute. She loves the shower. She hates the bath tub. She has a very strong neck. She will hold her head up to get a good look at you, or to make you look her in the eyes when her head is on your shoulder. And she scoots her head into your neck to snuggle better. We love her and love spending time with her!
